I have eaten one meal in 30 hours. Slept 6 hours. Cried twice for the same reasons. I’m simultaneously exhausted, and wide awake. Starving and content. Ceremonials is one of my favorite albums I’ve ever listened to. I am laying in a bed with a dora the explorer canopy/tent over it. My mind is a bit of a mess and I don’t like it. I don’t feel like I love anything anymore. I don’t actually feel much of anything anymore. Sometimes when people upset me I force myself to cry to see if it makes me feel. It doesn’t. it is almost five am and I want everyone to be awake. I don’t want to be alone. I am so alone. I felt a terrible lonely numbness on Sunday and it was the kind of loneliness you have to share, because if you don’t bad things might happen. I didn’t have a single person I felt I could go to. As I type this I feel guilty because I know kassadi would do anything for me. But she has a husband and a baby and her own problems. I wouldn’t want to burden her with any more. Not that I want to be a burden to anyone…. Which is what brought on that lonely numbness. The stare in the mirror for an hour straight and not move a muscle type of thing. My unborn nephew is what ultimately made me feel less….unworthy. I will not let that crippling emptiness push its way inside of my heart until I let that little boy in, let him try and defrost me a little bit.
A big part of me gave up on my dream of starting a family of my own, and I think maybe that’s why I feel like this. Like I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t feel. If I feel I won’t stop hurting. I think I’m beyond repair at this point….
goodnight. Ky says goodnight. i love my sweet baby ipod. what a sweet boy he is. it’s going to be annoying but i vow to not leave him in my car. ever.
so an hour or so i got a message that’s for daniel and i, it’s an apology from a friend of ours. i thought that it was so mature. i wonder why people say women are more mature, sometimes. maybe it’s because all of his friends are geniuses. or maybe he was just raised right. anyways i appreciated it a lot.
also Grant said he found a yash shirt for me
and i’m so fucking excited for that.